Stock Worth Owning

The stock market brings out my inner Puritan. "It's not right," I mutter while wearing my buckle shoes and broad-brimmed hat, "to bet money on a company's strength hoping its corner of the market will grow. Why, it's little more than gambling!"

Well, stock market gamblers have lost a bundle in the last two days, adding to the general economic woes facing the nation. Not owning any stocks--and my husband being years away from needing his pension--I am not too troubled. However, I am sure there is some way that even those of us not gambling in the market will nevertheless be screwed in some sort of trickling down of the deep doo doo. I can't wait.

The stock market also evokes my pioneer farmer: "What do you mean you're worth $50,000 more this month than last!? Where is that wealth? In corn? In cows? Is there a building somewhere with your name on the deed? No? What do you mean the numbers on the paper are higher? That and ten cents will get you a cup of coffee. The only stock worth owning is livestock you young whippersnapper!" Then I stomp off to the barn in my big boots to slop the hogs mumbling all the while about the world is getting to.

So, while I can vaguely sympathize with the Wall Street turmoil, I mostly feel the need to smudge my house and protect myself from the financial bad juju that has afflicted the nation. Maybe if we did a sacrificial offering to the Gods, they would stop being so angry and our stock would rise.

Hey, maybe I'm on to something. What monumental sacrilege occurred recently that might have offended the Gods who then sent Ike to punish us and brought down the mighty Lehman Brothers? Something big. Something so offensive the great Tina Fey was compelled to return to Saturday Night Live to help us see the error of our ways (although you can no longer see that video on YouTube and need to search http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/ for a clip).

Rumor has it that Alaska and Texas are two of the biggest states in this great United States. Only those two states could have produced politicians who have brought down the wrath of the Gods upon the rest of us. The rise to power of She Who Must Not Be Named and W has threatened the very bedrock of what this country holds dear--the right to gamble and win and the right to gamble, lose and get bailed out by the government.

We cannot bring back the old ways of public stonings or hangings; we are enlightened now and fight supernatural curses with letters to the editor, donations to political opponents of the evildoers, and a wielding of that supreme weapon The Vote. So, those of you who see the blight upon our land for what it is--the curse of the Gods brought on by the RNC and the nomination of Palin & McCain who will continue The Bush Doctrine even if she doesn't know what it is--it is time to reclaim this great country for those of us who have kept to the old ways, those of us who rise when commanded by our alarm clocks, drink coffee made at home in a Mr. Coffee, and who stash our paychecks with its decreased earning power after inflation where God intended--not the stock market for God's sake--but under our mattresses.